Open Diary Note on my Birth!
A letter to self!
Hope, expectations and luck all belong to the same side of the scale of human existence (at least for me!). They are all fickle, uncontrollable and mostly unpredictable.
Expecting hope to bring luck your way is much like betting your life savings on the rain falling (we are just not in charge of such an outcome). But, yeah, we all do it. We are human, to say the least.
I don’t know what exactly got into me to have thought about this. Maybe the thought of seeking to ghost on everyone on my day of birth. Or the notion of who cares if you do. Or maybe even the crazy imposter of trying to count the uncountable.
Any of that might be true but yet all of them can be so untrue too. To avoid much confusion, just take this as me telling you this: “we think nobody cares but the truth is everyone cares. Just that nobody cares until we receive our fair share of the PR, since everything in this world thrives on that.”.
Meanwhile, I felt late when I was writing this, yet I still felt I shouldn’t have sent it to anyone. Maybe it would have been a better fit to beautify my diary. But fuck it, here I am sending it your way. The reason why? I don’t know!
Yeah, so maybe here’s my (your) permission (in case you ever need one!) to do everything you need/want to do whenever you need/want to do them. Just remember we are never ready to start until we start (so just get started).
Not to go too far, let’s stay within the last two years of our existence. At least that’s quite some milestone years (The beginning of the power/action decade ushered in by a global pandemic and too numerous to count crises).
What we have planned out took a turn and what we failed to plan was what demanded iteration. The health, family bonding, connection…that we took lightly while we are striving for our daily bread and societal meaning of success are our haven.
Surely, the global pandemic shifted the focus of everything and everyone in the world. It made us lose track of some purposes, processes and projections. And yes, we are still wallowing in its effects to this day that I write this. May the Lord help us to help ourselves get through it.
While all that was going on, a personal monster I have to deal with was my identity. (Yeah, identity crisis). Funny how most of us suffer things but have failed to realise it because we felt what we are feeling is too small to have such a big name (ironic, right?).
I lost every clue about where and what I wanted to be identified with. Started with me trying to do lots of things, venturing into lots of crafts without the ability to say which one is for me because none is working & none seem wrong. So it left me with the thought of a conflict of identity, not knowing which one I am.
And another thing is I realised it late that plan A is never enough (I don’t know who said “the existence of plan B is a threat to plan A”, but I’m very sure now that the person wasn’t entirely correct).
Yes, plan B might make a lazy mind work less on executing the first plan but it sure makes a smart mind know what next to do and what not to do (we are all failures at something or sometimes, till success pops in our face and everybody choose to see beyond our failures).
I’ve failed at multiples before succeeding at one (but who cares and who can dare to waste their PR on a failure). So the multiples never get to see daylight until dawn breaks on the one. But who dares rebel that? Nobody! It’s fine to keep it that way. Just let’s appreciate the work that goes into failures too, they are nothing short of the same work with some dysfunction as the successful ones.
So starting today, I’m going to make a decision, one that would lead to making many others. I’m going to start taking steps, such that would lead to many others (whether failure or success). Someone told me to own my decision and that I’m not making the wrong one. So, 🥂 here’s to the decisions to come.
There’s still a lot to say but I guess I’ll still keep those for now and say it whenever I feel is best for us all. Thank you for reading till this point, God bless you.
As a gift for doing so, let’s go over this gratitude prompt together. I think we all deserve some gratitude regardless of how we may want to think of it. We deserve thanks for staying through and surviving the struggles till this time. So say after me:
“I have to thank me. I have to thank me for believing in me. I have to thank myself for doing all this hard work, I have to thank myself for having every day off with no day off. I have to thank myself… for never quitting. Thank you, Self!”
I thank myself for being a giver and always trying to give more than I receive. I thank myself for always trying to do more right than wrong. And I must not fail to thank myself for just being me at all times…
And I’m tasking myself to do even greater and better in years to come.
Thank you!
Dear Self, I’m not sure of what/where you’d be tomorrow but wherever it is, I wish you will get to remember this day for good positive reflections of how far and how well you’ve carried and catered for yourself.
Till now, I’m not sure I’ve done enough for myself. So here is my permission to:
- Make myself a priority, do things I need and want first before catering for the needs and wants of others.
- I will sleep when it is time to sleep, and eat when it is time to eat, take care of myself like a mother would a newborn baby. (even though my baby said this will be easier to say than do but let’s assume I’ll surprise her).
- Express and communicate my ideas, thoughts and opinions in the best way I can, with respect, humility and openness to listen to others.
- Learning as much as I can while implementing as much more as I can also
So help me God!
Happy birthday Mustapha 🦋🎉
